Ladies and gentlemen... what you have just seen
is an excerpt from a motion picture that was made in Japan.
I'm sitting here chatting with Woody Allen
the author of this film...
Woody, is the word "author" quite the correct word to use?
What exactly did you do with that film?
Well, let me see if I can explain it to you accurately...
Hollywood wanted to make the definitive spy picture.
And they came to me to supervise the project, you know? Because...
If you know me, at all, you know...
that death is my bread and danger my butter...
No, danger is my bread and death is my butter.
No, no, wait... Danger is my bread...
And death? No death...
Sorry. Death is my... Death and danger are my various breads and...
...and my various butters, okay?
So we took a Japanese film...
Made in Japan by Japanese actors...
It is an great film. Beautiful color,
and there's raping, and looting, and killing in it...
And I took out all the soundtrack. Knocked out all their voices.
And I wrote a comedy... I got together with some actors...
And we put our comedy...
In where there were formerly raping and looting.
The result is a movie where people are running around killing one another...
doing all those James Bondian things.
But what's coming out of their mouths is something wholly other.
That's... To my recollection, I've never heard of that being done before.
Where the actors would be acting one story and saying another?
Actually, it was done with "Gone with the Wind", and not many people know that.
That was, those were Japanese people actually...
...and we dubbed in American voices, southern voices.
- Really? - Oh yes.
It was years ago though, during the war...
...and there's been many naval bases and things, so... it was kept quiet.
Be that as it may, do you think we could run this film now?
Sure. Watch this.
Let's get out of here.
- I'll get the check... - Stick around, she's just getting warmed up.
- Dance, mister? - After you.
Name three presidents...
Roosevelt, McKinley...
Lincoln?
Saracen pig! Spartan dog!
Take this! And this!
Roman cow!
Russian snake!
Spanish fly!
Talk! Who sent you?
Good one!
Alright, talk!
Who sent you? Talk, Anglosaxon punk!
Who do you work for?
Nobody. I freelance.
Beware of the man with...
with... with... with...
This thing has gotta go off like clockwork.
I want you to follow every move I make.
When I take a step, you take a step.
Excellent!
Hey, over here! This way! Here!
Hey, he's jumping on the wrong car!
Sure looks bad!
This is your warden speaking...
Do not try to escape. You haven't got a chance!
We have the prison surrounded.
No one can get over the wall.
We'll have more reasons why you'll never get away in a moment.
But first, here's Len Maxwell with the weather.
What's going on up there?
- ...Back to your warden. - Thank you very much, Len...
Have I said before you cannot escape?
Hey, that's a rented car!
You can't get away!
Would you mind telling me what this is all about?
An oriental.
Didn't you know?
I'm flabbergasted!
- Thank you for standing by. - Standing by?
You're very kind to arrange my escape and bring a car to pick me up.
Sweetheart... I hate to tell you but you're talking to the wrong guy.
Then who are you?
Phil Moskowitz, loveable rogue.
First the jailbreak. Then you try leaping from the car.
I think from here on in...
...you'd better let me handle the wheel.
- Finished? - Not yet.
This is your office calling...
I must inform you there's been a daring jailbreak. Be on the lookout for an escaped prisoner.
Female.
Oh? Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed snake who married a rope?
You had us worried. What have you been up to?
Well, nothing much really to report...
By the way, I was almost shot and killed just before the opening credits.
We need them both...
Alive.
I feel so refreshed! I managed to find a woman's dress...
...but I couldn't find a stitch of underwear.
No underwear, huh?
I find that very interesting.
Don't excite yourself. I never sleep with a man who owns a dress.
Me neither.
I feel the same way.
There's something I really don't understand...
What's that?
- Who arranged my escape? - Have you no idea?
I had an idea it was The Mormon Tabernacle Choir...
But they have no motive.
While I was in jail, I received a key and this note...
...hidden in a package.
"Tonight 2 A.M. Everything's O.K. for escape.
Car at west corner."
I think you have dropped on the wrong car.
Yes, that explains it.
Well, enough of that.
Of what?
Would you like a drink? Would you like to take another bath?
Would you like to see my collection of off-color, Italian hand gestures?
Could I interest you in a naked picture of Hugh Hefner?
I never saw anyone who thought of sex so much.
You're kinda cute in your own way.
I could really fall for you...
Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes and bring a cattle prod.
Saracen pig!
Spartan dog!
Take that!
My leg!
What's going on? Where am I?
What are we doing here?
Just shut up and get on your knees.
In a moment you will see a beautiful set of teeth.
And now, straight from Beach on Broadway[?]...
...The mad Majah!
Good afternoon, I am the Grand Exalted High Majah of Raspur...
...a non-existent, but real-sounding country.
Yes. We're on a waiting list.
As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next.
It's rough with a new country.
Do you realize the entire population is still packed in crates?
Good luck. I am sure you'll get your country on the globe.
Thank you.
I'm hoping for something between Spain and Greece.
It's really much warmer there.
I hope you make it. I do, really.
And you will help me to do so.
You, Phil Moskowitz, amiable zany, can help me.
Gangsters have stolen my secret recipe for egg salad.
And not only that...
They kill, they maim, and they call Information...
...for numbers they could easily look up in the book.
Here is their leader.
The recipe is being held in the safe of this bozo, Shepard Wong.
By withholding the recipe...
...he intends to keep us off the globe. But I say to him...
...Fat chance!
Wait a minute, how can he keep you off the globe?
I don't understand.
It is written that he who makes the best egg salad shall rule over heaven and earth.
Don't ask me why egg salad.
I've got enough aggravation.
This is Shepard Wong's home.
He lives in that piece of paper?
No, you idiot! He's got a regular house!
I see...
Good afternoon, Mr. Moskowitz.
Oh, no! Not you again!
This is Miss teriyaki, one of our top-secret agents.
Two years ago, on this very spot, she disappeared forever.
But seriously, Phil, this is my sister Suki.
A pleasure to meet you!
That's a very unusual pin you're wearing.
If I remove it, one of my parts falls off.
These are your two assistants. They will do anything for you.
Anything?
Get the recipe, ass!
Don't look now, honey. This is the obligatory scene...
...the director always has to walk through with his wife.
Egomaniac!
You're kinda cute. You've got a great body.
If I could tear your clothes off and make violent love to you right here and now...
Well, I'll go along with that...
Oh Phil, all you ever think about is sex!
Look at the smoke stack on that ship!
That's Shepard Wong's gambling ship.
Oh, I hate him so very much!
He's one of the seven worst people in the world.
Egad fuh[?]! How do you like that? I threw another crap.
Amazing streak of luck, sir!
Not luck. It's skill.
Sorry, but I must leave now.
Is that so, sir?[?]
Yes, you see, someone's waiting for me.
You cash in my chips...
And now, goodbye.
You can't quit now, sir. You're winning!
You're too far ahead...
Don't tell me what I can do...
...or I'll have my mustache eat your beard.
Well, so long[?].
You interrupt Shepard Wong?
That's a thing to do?
Fearful experience, sir...
He said his mustache was gonna eat my beard!
I also think that he suspects you have the recipe.
Use any method you can. But don't let him leave!
Here are your winnings, sir.
Thank you...
Thank you very much. Here's a little something for yourself.
Yeah, that's sporty[?]...
I'll just put all of my earnings in this suitcase...
...and close it with one quick zip, like this.
Perfect!
You can't leave now, sir...
Why not?
I have everything I need right here.
But we have women on board.
Answer for yourself the question...
It is true what they say about oriental girls?
Don't mind if I do...
Lead the way.
I've seen better boats than this in a plastic hobby kit.
You're a champ[?]...
Watch this...
How do you do?
Mom!
What are you doing here, Mother?
You never write.
So when I didn't hear from you I decided to take an ocean cruise.
This is really your mother?
Yes it is, isn't she sweet?
Mother and I have always been very close.
And the best thing about her is... She takes a good punch!
He hit her, boss!
That's the way to treat a mother?
I saw you took our picture with that. You had a hidden camera, I saw it.
I want some of them.
- How many do you want? - Two 8 x 10.
Yes, I took your picture with a camera hidden in that case...
...the one I threw overboard.
Let's stop kidding each other. You have the recipe and I want it.
What recipe?
You know, the recipe for the great egg salad.
A salad so delicious you could plots[?].
I spit on your recipe!
The jokes on you! I threw the suitcase overboard to my henchman.
He's right down there!
Hey, boss!
I got the bag!
I'm such a terrific henchman!
That's a very special camera. It takes pictures of you with all your clothes on...
...but when they develop, you come out naked!
You lay one single thing around me...
...and I'll peddle them in every schoolyard in town.
So you see, you'd better not mess around with me...
...unless you're all completely unashamed of your bodies.
You win this round...
But we shall meet again, Wing Fat.
Not if I see you first. And now I'm going home...
...develop those pictures and have a few laughs at your chubby thighs.
You'll never get that recipe!
We shall see, Shepard Wong!
Kidnap us, please, and step on it!
- Did you say "kidnap"? - Yes, that's right.
Alright, but first it's time for a little sight-seeing.
To your right is the factory where the broken Japanese toys are made...
Act casual when I tell you this...
Go ahead.
See that driver up there?
Don't look now, but I think he's a fruitcake.
What did you say, Mac?
I didn't mean it.
You must be very quick on the draw, with a gun.
What gave you that idea?
'Cause you have very fast hands.
You were right... I am a little weird.
Hello my friend, are you ready for the big event?
Look who came to see you!
Good evening.
It's all set.
A cobra... I don't like snakes.
If you pamper them so much they'll curl all up[?]!
Don't say anything to upset my snake!
It's the most important day of his life.
It's his wedding night and he's very nervous.
He's been looking forward to his...
For a very long time!
He's going to marry a chicken.
Here comes the bride!
I always cry at weddings!
Shepard Wong has really got us now.
Not Wong!
You misunderstand. I've invited you here.
Not Wong!
I'm Wing Fat.
Wong is my competitor.
Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.
For that joke you shall only drop dead.
You are Phil Moskowitz. I, too, am out after the recipe.
I want the map that you made...
...of Wong's house and the specifications of the safe.
Never, not our new [??]!
My men can make you talk.
For your own sake...
Two Wongs don't make a Wright...!
Shall I connect both of you to this wire?
We can fry them this way, too.
You're gonna tell us the plans, or where the map is?
What do you want the plans for, anyway?
To steal the recipe for Wong...
...and sell it back to him. That's how I make my living.
Alright, let's start with the girl.
Wait!
No threat will ever make me tell...
...that the plans are in her hairpin.
You idiot! I can't take you anywhere!
I do not see any plans here, just some cooties.
You fool, it's in the back!
I can't read this, it's too small.
I just happen to have a magnifying glass in my hand right here for you, boss.
We're convinced the recipe is in Wong's safe.
What are you telling all those things for, huh?
That won't do them any good. They'll need a professional safe cracker.
A professional safe cracker?
And I can provide one.
Really?
And she's beautiful. Cut these ropes...
...and you and I will form a partnership.
And then we're gonna help each other.
Great tackles, Penkowski...
Good pass, Donbronovich...
We're ahead two touchdowns...
And it's only half-time.
Didn't I tell you, boss? These new uniforms really fool them.
There's the whistle.
Get out there and beat SMU!
You're the new quarterback. The coach wants to see you, but remember...
No hickeys...
Approach me.
What in the world is keeping that safe-cracking girl of yours?
She'll get in touch with us as soon as she can find the safe.
Get in touch how?
She's wearing a micro-talkie.
A micro-talkie?
You mean she's wearing a transmitter?
- It's on her all the time... - Almost.
I want to thank you... for clearing up my sinuses.
It was glorious!
Would you like to... see it again on instant replay?
Now that I've given you my all I want something from you.
What is it?
I haven't had a good egg-salad sandwich in years...
I mean, a really good one. You know what I mean?
You want egg salad, I'll give you egg salad! Did you bring the mayonnaise?
Mayonnaise?
I told you to take a jar!
Boy, is he weird...!
Never mind, if there's none on board, forget it. We'll use Miracle Whip.
Hello there, turn around... We just stole your money.[?]
Woody, because this story is a little bit difficult to follow...
Would you give the audience and myself a brief run-down on what's going on so far?
No.
Sam, what time is the mutiny?
Whenever you call, we'll start. That's all.
This is agent 5...
I'm aboard Shepard Wong's ship. Have located safe below.
Bring plenty of dynamite. It's a big mother.
Give me that!
What are you up to?
What have we here?
- It's Suki, she's found the safe! - Guess we'll have to start all over again.
We have only two days!
We can't possibly sneak onboard with sailors...
...and guards, everywhere all over the ship.
What are we gonna do?
Leave it to me.
Come on! Wake up!
I made her drink a lot of water.
That's torture!
There's no John in here.
That's tough on her.
And she was the best quarterback I ever had...
Hello, hello, nice day!
Seriously, I'm from the quarantine office...
...and I'm here to examine the ship.
We're gonna fumigate this boat.
No one is allowed back aboard 'til I give the all-clear.
If you inhale this gas, you'll be dead so fast it won't even be funny.
And now if you'll excuse me...
Okay babies[?], we're gonna split now...
Sneezy, Sleepy, Doc...
Grumpy, Happy, Bashful...
Dopey, Snow White...
Snow White?
Yeah, he too much. Someday his prince will come.
Cool it! There's somebody coming.
Okay, okay, gather 'round...
Hey you guys, you wanna buy a copy of "Mohammed Speaks"?
No, I subscribe.
What about the girl?
Well, we can take her with us if you want to...
...but you wouldn't really know what to do with a girl, would you?
Hey, you!
Fumigator man! Everyone's off the ship.
Are you sure? Sure there's no one left?
There's no one left, except maybe the rats.
You're absolutely positive? Hey! What are you doing back there?
Make pretty smoke!
Suki! Where are you? I don't think I've looked out here.
Oh, this wasn't it[?]...
Suki?
Phil, help!
Don't make a move, my darling. I'll be right back with the dynamite.
I can't break the door down because of my bruscitis.
Yeah, get the dynamite...
And could you also bring me a regular coffee...
[??]Swing fast! Be right back![??]
Wait! Give me some of the dynamite...
I got the dynamite.
Coming right in, my dearest...
Oh, my God!
I'll be alright.
Suki, Suki, are you alright?
People from the quarantine office are fumigating the ship now, sir.
What do you mean? Everyone's off the ship?
Except girl. She's dead. I killed her with pretty smoke.
I didn't order any fumigation! It's Wing fool, you Fat!
I mean, Wing Fat, you fool!
He's after the recipe!
Back to the ship!
Listen to me, we have no time!
- Blow it up! - Are you kidding?
The recipe will be blown up, too!
Suki, what's the matter?
- Steady, Suki, are you alright? - I'll be fine.
Hey boss, you're still carsick back there?
Hurry up, will ya! I'm the one sitting next to him!
- Hurry, time and tide wait for no man! - Shut up...
What's the matter?
Can I be excused? I have to go to the bathroom.
- In the middle of a robbery?! - Yes!
Well, if you must, you must.
Here's a tip to the attendant...
- You wanna come with me, Teri? - You're gonna have to hang on.
It will only be a minute.
I'm so nauseous. How soon are we gonna be there?
What's the matter?
It's the mask... I can't breathe!
No, leave the mask on! You won't be able to breathe without it!
Stick it out! We are a team. Remember...
Love has found me, and I have found the way...
And I... Alright, chill. I won't sing.
There's a mouse on board!
I was only foolin'...
- Drill this last little thing... - That's great, that should be the last one...
I'll just give it a little tap with the hammer...
Give it a tap.
Great! It fell right out.
I'll just put my hand in and reach up there...
Yes, reach up and open the lock...
Wait, wait...
- You got it? - Yes, I got it, I got it...
- That should do it. - Open it!
- Open the door! - At last!
Oh, no!
Who do they think we are? Do we have all day?
What's the matter, Suki? Remember...
Love has found me...
No, no, that's okay.
This is 20...
This is 30...
- Go ahead. - 40...
50...
- More. - 60?
Are you gonna go through the whole alphabet?
- Now go right to 40. - 40?
I ain't talking for my health, Jack.[??]
Okay... There, I've got it.
Now go right to 90.
And right to 90. Is that it?
I think that's it.
Did you get the combination? It is open?
Yes, it's open.
Here we go, folks...
Don't worry, it's just as record.
It's part of alarm system.
There it is!
The recipe! Give it to me.
Yes, this is it!
We've done it.
And now...
I'd like to take this opportunity to do my impersonations of famous movie stars.
Sir James Cagney...
"You dirty rat, you're the guy that gave it to my sister!"
"And now I'm gonna give it to your sister! You dirty rat!"
Bravo! Now do Claude Rains.
Don't tell me who to do! I don't do Claude Rains.
That was really terrific!
How do you do those things so true to life... I don't know how you do it.
I'm not through yet, Buster...
Listen, we'd love to hear more. But honestly, we have no time.
If I know Shepard Wong, he'll try to stop us.
And we've got to decode this recipe.
Wait, wait! Hold it!
Yeah, let's get organized.
Alright, gentlemen, I want you to settle down.
I have a few instructions for you, I want you to listen carefully, and cool it.
This fellow over here in a yellow smark[?] is the brain to our organization...
and over here is our leader, this grease-ball.
Okay, yellow smarks[?], say a few words and be quick about it.
Make sure all W2 forms are filled out.
Alright, that's enough...
You fellas go forward, and those go left[??]. I want you to shoot to kill.
Alright, men, we're on water.
I don't want any of you walking too far to the left or to the right.
Remember the training films we saw about how people sink.
Now, go!
And now, for you entertainment pleasure, WC Fields...
"Don't forget the time I was in the Himalayas...
...in search of a great civic cat[?], there we were..."
You're not laughing.
I hate you people!
That was the first time I've done those impressions...
...without getting a tremendous round of applause.
Let's hear it for him!
Let's really hear it for him, come on!
Dammit! Truce?
Yes, I guess so. Help her up.
Let's get out of here. Let's go down the passageway.
Watch out. You don't know where they'll come from.
They'll either come from the left, or the right... or the right.
- Did you see where they went? - No.
Saracen dog! Spartan pig!
What's going on?
I think we're winning, chief!
Alright, men, follow me...
Creep![?]
What's the matter with them?
These two have been overcome by too much gas.
I caught them alone carrying on in poor taste.
They offend my sensibilities! Get them off the ship!
You're useless now. Wait for us on the launch.
Just a second...
I don't think I ever saw you two before...
Shepard Wong...
You'd never guess I have no pants on!
I'll take care of him myself!
You watch the porthole!
You go that way. Come on!
Are you ready yet?
What are you doing down there?
Selecting an appropriate mustache.
It's a good thing I save all my old shaves.
Let's go!
Something's coming out!
What do you think you're doing, young man?
I'm a government official. I came here to fumigate the ship.
Good acting! I think we got them fooled.
Bring 'em over here...
Keep walking until we're right on top of the water.
If we can walk on the water, they wouldn't dare shoot at us.
It's Wings!
What...? You let them get away, you idiot!
Take a clobber... and a hit... and a smash!
If this really is code, what does it say?
What does this mean?
What do you these holes in this paper say?
Something about... hard-boiled eggs.
Are you pulling my leg?
If you don't believe me, why don't you test me.
Test you how?
Shepard Wong's ship - it's supposed to leave tomorrow.
But if this recipe means so much to Wong, he won't leave, will he?
I don't know why, but you got a better bandage than I did!
They got away...
You think that's bad? They gave me a great bandage, but...
...they made me wear my coat over it, so no one can see it!
Will you two stop arguing about your bandages, look at me!
I didn't get any bandage at all!
Hey, boss!
Shepard Wong's ship is not leaving tomorrow.
Because Wong definitely needs the recipe.
- And he needs it badly... - How badly?
- Do you still have to go? - Uh-huh.
And he needs it for a very special reason...
I'll ask Phil.
- We'll see about that... - It's for you!
Put him through. It's Wong.
He certainly didn't waste any time.
- Phil, she really has to go... - Pull yourself together!
Shepard Wong wants a meeting.
- Wong's desperate for that recipe. - Why?
I didn't tell you this before, but he's an egg salad addict.
- You mean he's hooked on it? - He's hooked, he's got a chicken on his back.
Well, too bad for him!
- What do we do now? - Let's go and decode the recipe.
I wonder if this turns it on...
Come on! Let's get on with it.
I'm going to decode some ancient erotic poetry.
"There once was a man from Nantucket...
...whose..." - You're putting me on!
How do I know if I decode this, you won't kill me?
Kill you? Take a look at this...
Is this the body of a killer?
You call that a body? Taka a look at this!
Hold it a minute... I only came in here to decode the recipe.
Hey, look at this!
"Take two chopped hard-boiled eggs, 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise...
Add a pinch of salt..."
We did it! You are super, Phil, old sport!
You are beautiful! I think I love you!
Hold it, my pants are falling down...
Now we get to the telescope...
Now a box seat, a soda box seat...
Oh, my throat! This Peter Lorre imitation's killing me!
Everybody shows up when we have girls to tie up.
Alright, Wong...
This is so important I'm not gonna use my own voice.
In-Chi's a ventriloquist, and he'll do the talking for me.
Hello, Wong? Listen to me...
I want you to meet me aboard the ship at 4 am.
Don't bring any of your hoods, and I won't bring any of mine.
I got the recipe...
I want you to bring a million dollars in cash...
And no pennies.
How d'you like that? He's great, isn't he?
Catch you next Sunday night on the Sullivan show.
How was I, boss? Had a little trouble with the M:s and P:s, but otherwise great, eh?
Very good. Keep this up and we'll get you your own dummy.
And so, my dear friends...
Now I have Shepard Wong right where I wanted.
Why the look of consternation?
I thought you said you loved me. How come we're tied up?
I love you in my own way.
Shepard Wong will pay me a cool million.
All the money he has for this recipe.
That poor, unfortunate egg salad junkie...
And that leaves only you suckers...
Here's to you, my friends. I wish you good luck!
You should live and be well.
You and your partners will be put into an empty drum.
...which will then be filled with fat Lithuanian midgets.
And then you will be dropped into the ocean.
You're seeing a lot this water.
But first, my friend would like to give his cobra some exercise.
Exercises which you'll enjoy, I'm sure...
Are you ready yet?
Will you excuse me now... And no hard feelings.
Wing, do you think I'll win an award for my acting in this picture?
Egomaniac!
This iron pipe will make a nice award.
You are the worst actor I've ever seen! This is for Sonny Tufts!
This is for John Wayne!
And this is for the owner of this theater!
Gee, boss, you really know how to hurt a guy!
And now my cobra can have some fun!
He likes to listen to the radio.
- Is that the Living End? - No, it's the Lovin 'Spoonful.
- She dropped her hairpin! - Let it go and get us out of this damn cellar!
What do you think I'm doing?
Dolores, we can't keep meeting here like this...
My wife is getting wise!
But Max, I love you!
Yes, but... not in the projection room!
It's against union rules.
Suki, Suki... Wake up!
Alright, you'll burn to death like my cobra!
You snake! You killed my cobra!
You beast!
My snake! Where am I going to get a long, thin coffin?
You killed a newlywed.
Somewhere, there's a female chicken crying her eyes out!
What are you doing there, anyway?
Got the money?
What about the recipe?
Here it is.
- Are you Chinese? - No, Japanese.
- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
Come on, you're a Chinese...
- Okay, I'm Chinese. - You know, you don't look Chinese.
Take three giant steps backwards. One... two... three.
Thanks for the recipe.
You didn't say "mother, may I".
I'm dying! Call my rabbi!
Well, my dear friend, the chicken is off your back.
Speaking of games, it's not real money...
It's Monopoly money!
Monopoly money?
I think I know another game...
Another game?
What's it called?
It's called "kick the can"!
Damn it! But I still have the recipe.
You think of everything, don't you?
Throw the light on him.
Okay, boss...
I've enjoyed our short partnership, but it's over.
Throw me the recipe!
The Raspur government will pay dearly for this.
You'll never find them, jerk! They're not on the map yet!
Hey, boss!
- What happened to Cobra Man? - They killed him, and the cobra too.
Dirty rat!
But they won't be killing anybody anymore.
And the gun he's got is Cobra Man's, but he's got no bullets in it.
No bullets?
No bullets!?
But if all of you in the audience who believe in fairies...
...clap your hands...
...then my gun will be magically filled with bullets.
- I don't believe in fairies. - Don't clap, idiot!
If enough of you clapped your hands...
...or at least if some of you are true fairy lovers...
...my gun should work.
Saracen pig!
And now who believes in fairies?
Alright, we'll get rid of him!
Russian snake!
Roman cow!
Here's a gun.
Thank you!
If you live, call us!
Hang on. I'm gonna shoot four men with three bullets.
...I'm exhausted!
Boy, I'm at great peace!
Gee, I wish Phil would get here!
It's getting awfully late!
Here's Phil! Bringing with him the constant promise of joy and fulfilment...
...in its most primitive form.
I hope he brought the vibrator!
And what do you want?
From Mr. Moskowitz's doctor.
He must be sick...
"Moskowitz suffered mental breakdown from strain. Is convinced he is a Pan-Am jet."
What does this mean?
He thinks he's an aeroplane!
Ridiculous!
A Pan-Am jet...!
Almost to the end of the runway...
Here I go... Up into the air!
Listen to my motors...!
Love has found me, and I have found the way...
And if I shouldn't...
I promised I'd put her in the film...
...somewhere.